Hello. I'm so glad to be back here. My PC went to pot and on it were all my saved passwords and things, when it came back from repair all my bookmarks with them on were gone. I spent months trying to get back in, typing every name I ever heard in the vain hope it would be a password. It wasn't. I've been cheating on this lovely trusty blog with myspace. I didn't mean to. I just got trapped in a world of emoticons, but sometimes there isn't a round yellow face that matches the one I have.
Writing wise there have been a couple of small developments, in terms of feedback from the outside world. One of these was a promise award from New Writing North, another was Ragged Raven published my pigs sequence, and Dreamcatcher are going to publish a long poem I have in the new book called One thing. It is probably my favourite poem in the entire book. It took me ages to write, to build up to write it, and when i had the first draft down I was exhausted. I've been back to it since and worked on it, and I have never disliked it (which is unusual, at some stage I'll hate all poems, then I'll forget about them, or work them and like them abit more.) I was pleased someone liked this poem, as I knew it isn't a cosy poem that everyone will like (it was read at a poetry gathering once and no one said a word about it!)
On the inner writing world I settled on a title for the book, which is Strip. Nobody at all disliked it. Nobody was scared or elated. This is a worry ( of course I worry people will feel nothing about the poems either. ) On the other hand, at least it is a title that won't put people off before they even see a word of poem.
Other than writing everything is changing. Even I'm changing. (I've lost nearly 3 stone since September. They gave me a little sticker and a badge and everything. I've become one of those people now who goes and asks for everything to be made with skimmed milk, I walk past Starbucks and the lure of caramel coffee. I've even eaten fruit, found out what quark is, dabbled with particle board impersonating crackers.) The whole thing seemed to come with Luan visiting me last year. She encouraged me about losing weight, and told me off for wearing men's jeans and boxer shorts. She was right, they did nothing for me at all. They made me feel as bad as I looked, maybe worse. Losing weight is a surface thing, but it comes from somewhere else, a desire for change, discovery, resurfacing in a different light. With the weight loss came more superficial changes, having to wear different clothes because nothing fit. But more than that, wanting to wear different clothes, and things that fit, for the first time in a longtime. I had key moments of feeling good- one was getting into a suit I bought 7 years ago, wore once, then it no longer fit me. I always loved that suit, it looked like who I wished I was. The next was fitting into a dress I wore once 13 years ago, a vintage dress I just loved. Next I fit into a 60's dress I wore once when I was 20- no I won't wear it now, but it was a good feeling.
I've been looking around thinking what next? Next is to work on my confidence. I'm trying, but I'm not sure how to begin. In asking myself questions came a realisation of being too much a creature of habit, safe world indoors, working in the house and being practical all the time. Some is good, most even. What I did about this was book a holiday. I couldn't believe I did this myself, sure I'd been saying I should for years, all the more reason not to believe me. I booked a holiday and had to keep quiet about it for a month. I hid the tickets in a pair of socks and wrapped them up and gave them to my boyfriend for Christmas. (Yes, it was one of those presents that is of partial benefit to the giver, like when you get him a Nick Cave cd or aftershave or that minty foot lotion, but I thought about it and figured it was OK. He hasn't had a holiday, other than camping last year, for nearly eight years.) I didn't know I could book a holiday. I didn't know I couldn't keep a surprise either. It wasn't like me at all, but it felt great.
So this year I have thrown all my mumu's away and I am going on holiday. I'm doing what everyonelse does, and might actually find I have fun. I've acquired some vintage dresses and red sparkly shoes that are hugely impractical, but I think that's OK since I always carry a screwdriver, a bandaid and a torch in my bag.
