Monday, June 02, 2008

Fresh



I haven't been here for what feels like a long time. Things have been peculiar, sorting I think. I've done alot of that this year, and some things you never find a place for, some questions will never be answered. My confidence hasn't been great alot of the time, but I've certainly been working on it.

There is work being done to the house too, the ceiling got ripped down and the room is in the middle of being reassemled- slowly and messily! But my office, is feeling like a reclaimed space. It's as it after years of dicking about with writing I've finally accepted this odd little habit of mine. I've looked round my room and thought- why do I sit at a desk I had to buy off an ex boyfriend?! I went out and bought my very own desk,and spent a week stripping the old paint off it. It is my desk now, yes, I thought, I deserve my own desk, that has the positive association of knowing I made good of something old. I repainted my room and got rid of anything that has a negative association, and filled it with things that have happy memories (or else are just strange little things I love- these things always look like crap to other people :) I finally accepted - that I'm going to write- regardless, so I may as well embrace it and give myself a nice place to do it. I've been big in giving myself treats, congratulating myself on small accomplishments instead of beating myself up about failures, as if I am a dog that I can train into co operation.

There still seems to be alot of junk to sort though- mainly files, piles of paper. I think they must breed. One amazing thing that has happened this year is that in March I wrote a short story. I suppose this seems quite ordinary, except that I gave up on them 6 years ago, following the MA. They feel like secret mini holidays. I'm finally saying, if that English teacher on the MA said of my stories ' yeah, they're interesting but no one will ever publish them' I don't have to listen. Then, maybe. Not now. If I enjoy writing , I can do so. I can consider the soure of the negativity and realise it's not gospel. Instead I remind myself of the few small bits of encouragemet I've had. Mostly I can just write, and say to hell with it.

Acually I'd like a fresh start. I want to leave Newcastle and just start over. I am doing what can do right now though, making room in the place I am in, until that day comes.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

sadness

february is crushing. My dad just died, then today found out a friends mam died.
wjat else to say?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Hurray!

Happy New year ! I'm so pleased I've been able to finally remember which email address I use here, and struck lucky on my password after so many attempts! This time I'll write them down, instead of relying on my computer (which has crashed 3 times last year) to remember them for me. Third time's the charm.

2007 was a good year in many ways- book out, nearly pulled by me, then actually out, got married, finally had a holiday, reached target weight. On the down side, I had alot of self confidence issues, and addressing them was hard work, and I wasn't able to launch Strip (a weird feeling, all that work than out without so much as a whimper or a single friend to see it and feel happy with me at the time.) I'm not sure what his year will bring- no holiday- but now I've been somewhere I really want to travel again. It is also seeing the end of mumus for me as i sort through my clothes and finally accept what fits and what just doesn't. (Took so long to do this.)

Finally i am having a belated launch for Strip in February- mostly because I didn't celebrate it at the time, and it seems as if people expect or want me to- they are right. If I only hide from people there is alot I'm mising out on potentially, as well as being sheltered from. I only sold 2 copies of Strip in Newcastle, but on the plus side I've heard of one or two people who liked it, which was lovely and encouraging to hear.The Crack gave Strip book of the month.

I was also thrilled to end 2008 with one of my poems being selected for analysis by Freida Hughes in The Times.

Me? In a newspaper I didn't print off on my computer? How weird is that?

Happy 2008 everyone- may all your dreams come true (except the weird ones involving finding yourself naked in front of your class mates!) :)

Ax

About Me

Poetry is like having an imaginary friend, who still forgets your birthday.