I haven't been here for what feels like a long time. Things have been peculiar, sorting I think. I've done alot of that this year, and some things you never find a place for, some questions will never be answered. My confidence hasn't been great alot of the time, but I've certainly been working on it.
There is work being done to the house too, the ceiling got ripped down and the room is in the middle of being reassemled- slowly and messily! But my office, is feeling like a reclaimed space. It's as it after years of dicking about with writing I've finally accepted this odd little habit of mine. I've looked round my room and thought- why do I sit at a desk I had to buy off an ex boyfriend?! I went out and bought my very own desk,and spent a week stripping the old paint off it. It is my desk now, yes, I thought, I deserve my own desk, that has the positive association of knowing I made good of something old. I repainted my room and got rid of anything that has a negative association, and filled it with things that have happy memories (or else are just strange little things I love- these things always look like crap to other people :) I finally accepted - that I'm going to write- regardless, so I may as well embrace it and give myself a nice place to do it. I've been big in giving myself treats, congratulating myself on small accomplishments instead of beating myself up about failures, as if I am a dog that I can train into co operation.
There still seems to be alot of junk to sort though- mainly files, piles of paper. I think they must breed. One amazing thing that has happened this year is that in March I wrote a short story. I suppose this seems quite ordinary, except that I gave up on them 6 years ago, following the MA. They feel like secret mini holidays. I'm finally saying, if that English teacher on the MA said of my stories ' yeah, they're interesting but no one will ever publish them' I don't have to listen. Then, maybe. Not now. If I enjoy writing , I can do so. I can consider the soure of the negativity and realise it's not gospel. Instead I remind myself of the few small bits of encouragemet I've had. Mostly I can just write, and say to hell with it.
Acually I'd like a fresh start. I want to leave Newcastle and just start over. I am doing what can do right now though, making room in the place I am in, until that day comes.
