Life has been a bit manuscript focused all in all. I've been working on getting the Strip manuscript in the right order, cutting things, and now proofing.
I'm onto my 4th proof from the publisher, and I keep reading it to find those little words some sort of formatting goblin takes out, sentences he stashes away, and the odd word he'll put in just to keep me on my toes. I'm trying to focus on that, and not the fact that I'm a bit worried. I'm not worried that I haven't done enough work on the text, I'm more at a funny stage of feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. The excitement comes from being able to see the book take shape more each day. The fear is what people will think of it, and if anyone will buy it.
None of this is helped by the fact that I've been on a waiting list at my GP's since Christmas, in order to see someone who will help me have less negative thoughts about myself. I don't want them, it is just a reflex. Part of me will think- a new book, you've worked at it to make the poems take shape- great, get it out there! Part of me thinks 'Oh no one likes you, it doesn't matter what you write because you are so unpopular and lacking confidence as a person that it just puts everyone off and no one will give the work a chance.' This is no good to me at all. It is making me wake up early each morning, just so I'll have longer to think pessimistic and unhelpful things about myself.
I wish I was a nice shiny girl, a sparkly one, who knows what to say to people, so I could service the work better. I wish I was funny, and had a nice accent. (Even these thoughts are unhelpful.) I'm trying to think of what I can do to become someone more appealing, but I'm a bit limited, still waiting on that list. (The answer of course is I need to stop thinking I'm so unappealing, and I'll feel a a lot happier and be allowed to enjoy things.) In the meantime, the poems themselves has really taken shape, and for the first time the cover is being thought about. (I didn't let myself think about this for a long time, because technically it's not my call, but I can't help thinking about it now. I dream of dolls and sparkly shoes...)
Covers are exciting, it's the bit that made me excited again. They sent me a very nice cover, but somehow it didn't look like the contents of the book, so inbetween proofs I've been trying to think about covers, and had fun dicking about with dolls. That, and blackberry picking , are keeping me sane :)
4 comments:
I'll buy it!! As for confidence I shall mention again- (if I have already, i'm going senile and can't remember) those two little words -Paul McKenna. I used his confidence CD and it really helped me. You have to keep listening to it and use the book for it to work though.
Also I decided to take the voices in my head to an industrial tribunal for bullying in the workplace. They fitted all the criteria. I wrote a poem about it that made me laugh so much that it helped to kind of heal it. Maybe I wil blog it one day- if I can remember where I filed it and what I called it. Thank heavens for google desktop search.
Good luck with it all and I hope you get the cover sorted soon.
Thank you.
Yay! My first sale (possibly only one! if you like it spread the word. (I keep thinking about what poetry people buy, a lot of is down to what people recommend. That's how i find poets i haven't tried everytime.)
Yes i took your advice, i'm currently listening to paul every day and reading his book again. i'm also practising reading poems aloud to myself, to get used to the feeling of them.
LOL about your tribunal for bullies in your head- that is so true! My little voices are very much like Kim and Aggie, they come into my brain and tut at all the mess and say I am very bad and my words need to be scoured with lemon juice and vinegar! Time to put on the pink rubber gloves and set to work...
what are you writing at the mo?
I'm working on a rewrite of my faery novel- got a publisher interested but they want me to change it slightly, which I agree with but I'm finding it hard.
ps -I'll tell you what's absolute torture but I learned it on my performance course- video yourself reading your poems and keep watching them until you get blase about seeing/hearing yourself, until you get bored with how you appear and gradually it all gets to be not a big deal anymore.
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