Caught the lurgy of a neighbour's child, and thinking if you can pin-point exactly where a cold comes from it probably means you don't have enough friends. It's one of those lingering ones, where you can hear the slow puncture sound in your chest when you are trying to go to sleep, and the sound of coughing gets on your own nerves. This is bad timing, just when I was in the middle of one of those transformations, kept curling round to see if I could feel the angles of wings starting to jut out from my spine. All those teams of people swooping in on TV to make you better- de-clutter your home, lose weight, make you 10 years younger, get a haircut, dress in a way that throws people off the scent of what you do for a living. No one ever looks in the mirror after and just cries, or says I liked it better before, and even when they look better I wonder if they get home,and don't have the confidence to wear their hair down, and revert back to the comfy jeans. (Why is TV now just there to make us feel bad, like we are lazy slobs who have to be told what to eat, do, and live?) The TV fairy folk do it in a comercial break, but the truth is transformation takes time, lots of time, and effort. It's a slow process, but I am in the process, aware that it takes time, the breaking of habits, change of lifestyle, losing things to an editing process, leaving peole on the cutting room floor. Lots of things just have to change. I know I can't make anybodyelse any different, all I can do is set about myself and see if that helps. Was feeling good about it, even with along way to go, when bam!, some random infection comes to make me look and feel like something a giant coughed up again. So it's hard to hold on to the feeling, the goal.
I guess I've been thinking about the few moments of your life when you feel special (the time the teacher handed my story to the class, the way some guy looked at me when I was 17...) It's a shame I can count them on one hand. Everyone wants to feel better in some way, less than just average. Some do it by academic acheivements, some do it by their profession, some accumulate (wealth, things, notches on the bed), some don't need to do anything they just look in the mirror. I suppose some give up on their own aspirations and breed, have a child they want to be better at everything than anyone and no longer have to feel the disappointment in themselves. I wrote, I hoped people would read it, be moved somehow, taken away, and that would make me feel less plain. But it isn't enough, not on it's own. Got to write better, got to open the doors wide for Trinny and Susannah to touch me inappropriately and make me look in the mirror from all sides. Got to just do some things I want to now and then. Say no. Just not be home. Get a metro to the coast and turn off the mobile.
But first to shake this godamn cold...
2 comments:
Ah, look at me, me, me, darling!! I use the universal ladyboy to say the things I can't say myself. I don't want people's approval but I want their attention. Of course I was brought up to believe this is wrong so I have to express this part of myself through an androgynous god/ess.
I see from the picture that AbraxasII has spawned and is guarding the ulb's pink shoes.
if i tap those little pink plaggy shoes together they take me home, even if it is to a fictional place.
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