February 13th-17th

February 06

13^th-17^th February

The Finns came over, to launch the latest Ek Zuban pamphlet, and stayed with me for a few days. I had to go into that odd hostess mode to have them here, and spent a two days cleaning, as if I felt they would go back to Finland and tell everyone that Angela Readman , who they never heard of anyway, is a slob. It’s odd, in my experience no one really cares if your house is a mess or not actually, but the shame must come from somewhere and I had to keep it quiet. I found myself wishing for those nice little things of water by the bed with a glass that fits on the top, and realized how old I must be getting and sort of obsessive (speaking of which, is there a proper name for those things?) Something newly trivial to worry about!

It was great having the Finns here, but a sort of exhausting week, lots of racing about to different places for the launch. (Will I ever learn to drive? I’m still waiting for the first of the lessons I was promised for my 30^th birthday!) The audience turn out was really poor, and it was a shame that Tapani Kinuuen and Kalle Ninikangas traveled over a thousand miles to be met with such a trickle, as they read their poems wonderfully, and are really amazing poets. I’m surprised so few writers in the region wanted to see some Finnish poets, as they are extremely well published (Tapani has had 5 collections out in Finland) and very unique. I felt like I wanted to apologise for England somehow, not sure why. The tower gig was my favourite gig of the week, the atmosphere was really lively, and despite the small audience (numbers wise, I don’t think I saw any little people) everyone really got into their readings and gave it their all. Andy Willoughby read a seamless and energetic Flesh of the Bear (accompanied by Shaun Lennox on guitar and Milo Thelwall on violin and other things) and Bob Beagrie really went for it in an awesome version of 20^th Century Chicken. Bob is a poet who never ceases to amaze me, not only because of his work, but how he reads it. I remember seeing him read about 6 years ago, and he seemed very shy and a bit nervous, a few years later I saw him read again and he had transformed. He started off with very quiet poems and then just sort of flicked a switch and went for it at the tower, which was great to see, not only that it was poetry you felt wrapped up in involved in, the music just got to you, and the words jumped on your skin. Seeing how Bob has evolved as a reader really gives me hope, I used to think there are two types of people, those who are natural performers and have some sort of innate confidence, charisma and seem born to it, and those who are good poets and the readings are secondary. People like Bob have made me realise that reading your work as best you can is a skill you can learn, and become better at, even if you are not someone who finds it natural to be in the public eye. Tapani read his poems in Finnish, and amazed everyone by taking off his shirt and putting a pair of black tights on his head for the final poem (it’s ok, they were his wife’s’, but still!) It felt like a one off evening, that you just could never repeat, poetry felt live and full of energy and life, it came right out at you, and it seems I can count gigs like that I’ve been to on one hand.

As for me, I read last. I was thinking I might read second to last, as Tapani is the main turn kind of thing. It was odd to finally read the poems out loud in public, I wrote them, and they harder than my usual stuff, and then I realized I’d have to say words like spunk in front of people. The poems aren’t gratuitous; I had a reason for writing them. I wanted to write about some things we wouldn’t talk about, the lack of intimacy and knowledge in seemingly intimate situations, and the power relations between genders. I have made an effort in the past year to use words that make me uncomfortable sometimes, as it seems the only way to strip them of the power they have. But reading them aloud, saying them? I never considered that, and suddenly it was a worry. I figured the only way to do it was to be less apologetic than I usually am. I always apologise when I read, I have a sorry I exist sort of vibe that it seems I can’t shake, I feel that way and it comes out. I decided with these poems the only way to read them was not to apologise, or I wouldn’t get through them. Afterwards, the Finns got drunk, and when they came back to mine they wanted curry. Kalle spent about 20 minutes picking up rice he had dropped one grain at a time, with a look of concentration on his face. It seemed important to him, maybe it’s a Finn thing, so I kept out the way.

Later in the week, there were readings at Darlington Hydrogen Jukebox on Tuesday, and two readings on Thursday in Middlesbrough. It was a tiring day, one reading at lunchtime, and one in the evening. I had to be selective about which poems I could get away with for an older lunchtime audience, but it seemed to go down OK. Three different older ladies came to see me after and said they liked my nana poems, and it was lovely to hear. I suppose I’ve never considered that an older audience may like any of my work, so it was an eye opener, and really very unexpected. I suppose when I think of my work I imagine only girls in their twenties possibly liking it, of course you don’t see many of them at poetry events- which may be the problem.